Have you been given the impression that because yourmiscarriagewas early that you should be moving on already? Sometimes we experience intense emotional anxiety or depression weeks, even months after a miscarriage? The pressures to get over your loss can come in many forms and it can our already tough situation seem worse. We have (3) helpful tips for combating this “Get over it” notion that will allow you to embrace your grief head-on.
Okay, many things have been said to all of us by others trying to bring comfort and support after our losses, things that we have even said to ourselves, like, “At least it was early” or, “You're young, you'll have another one soon.” There's this belief or idea that if you've had a miscarriage, the earlier it took place the easier it is for you to move on from. It is a common belief that a miscarriage can be replaced easily by having another baby. None of this is helping an already difficult situation.
What We Have Learned...
1. It’s Not That Easy! Everyone's experience is different. some may have experienced easily moving on but that is not the case for everyone. It is more than the loss of your baby, it is the loss of hopes, dreams, and expectations that you had for this baby.
When you get that positive pregnancy test whether you are planning to get pregnant or not it's natural to immediately start envisioning what is going to happen in the next nine months, what is going to happen after nine months. You're going to have a baby, so you start thinking about how this is going to affect your life. You’re focusing on the changes and adjustments that you're going to have to make and the thought that this little one will be joining your family. You were already dreaming, creating hopes and the expectation is set that you will be having a baby at the end of nine months and that you will be raising this baby for the next 18 plus years.
When you lose a baby suddenly you are filled with thoughts of what would have been. Here's where people might try to comfort you in saying, “At least it was early,” like you didn't have to change a whole lot in the last few weeks. It's not that simple, you were pregnant! You were growing a baby in your belly and for no explanation at all that baby dies and is gone and you're just supposed to continue “LIfe” as nothing happened!? Miscarriage is not that simple.
Whether you got pregnant right away or if you've experienced years of infertility, no matter your situation losing a baby can be heartbreaking whether it be at 4 weeks or 40 weeks gestation. If your heart is broken then your heart is broken. It is plain and simple, we lost our baby, our child and that is heartbreaking and that is not easy to get over. We will never get over it the loss of our child.
2.Miscarriage Can Be Traumatic Physically there can be a lot of blood loss and a lot of pain. If you've never experienced a miscarriage before you may not even know exactly what is happening, it can be absolutely frightening.
Some moms, not all, feel that this was in some way their fault. The term “Miscarriage” can signal that something was wrong or missed by the mother. None of this is true, it's not your fault, but all of this and more can bring on symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder “PTSD” after a miscarriage.
3. Everyone Recovers Differently Some take days to recover some take weeks or months to recover. You may not realize it but your body has gone through some major changes even in a few weeks of pregnancy. There are major hormonal changes and adjustments your body is making during your pregnancy and then again after the miscarriage.
It is not uncommon for mothers to experience postpartum depression after a miscarriage. If you are experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression or maybe you just feel like something isn't right we encourage you to speak with your physician. Emotionally, miscarriage can have a lasting impact on a person. For some the need for emotional spiritual, and mental health support is ongoing and that is okay.
3 Tips For Facing Your Grief
Just because we have had an early miscarriage, it doesn’t mean that this loss should be easy to get over. In fact, our society’s blatant dismissal of miscarriages can make the grieving process even more challenging then it already is and in doing so making it a much longer process for us to work through, allowing for our hearts and minds to heal. To change the narrative, we as parents of loss need to consider the following positive actions. Tip #1: No Comparison of Losses. A loss at four weeks versus a loss at 40 weeks, though they are a completely different set of experiences; both has a significant emotional impact. One type of loss is not greater or more important than another, your experience is yours alone.
Tip #2:You Don’t Have to Get Over It. It's okay to allow yourself to grieve the loss of this baby. It's okay to grieve what would have been no matter how long or short this life was. It can be heartbreaking regardless of what other people may say, I hope you feel it's okay to grieve.
Tip #3: You Don’t Have To “Be Strong” Right Now. Our society seems to push the idea that when hard times hit, the way to get through it is by being strong. We are taught to be strong for ourselves, for our kids, and others. We are also taught that accepting help from others may appear as a weakness. If you show emotion somehow we are seen as fragile. We are not meant to go through life alone especially when we are going through something really difficult. We need to let go of trying to push through it and remain in control. Yes, you will move forward and you will move on, but it doesn't mean you have to push all your hurt, all your feelings, and thoughts aside. Your baby will always matter.
You will have hard days and you will also have good days, it's okay to allow for both, so embrace what each has to offer. It's okay to reach out for additional help. Reach out to your family and friends, reach out to your church, reach out to your physician. There is nothing wrong with you for seeking help. We hope you found this article helpful and we hope you feel you are not alone, you are loved, your baby will always be cherished, and we are here to support you in any way that we can.